What Book Seven Might Have Been

Art by pojypojy

Dear Class,

I bring you a funny tidbit in which author Steve Almond predicts the outcome of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Obviously, this is not a new link, but funny nevertheless:

From Salon...

"I've read each of the previous books multiple times, and devoted most of the past year to sifting them for clues. To answer the Big Questions:

Is Dumbledore really dead?

Yes, though he is reincarnated as a newt.

Is Severus Snape good or evil?

Neither. He's got a substance-abuse problem. Toward the end of the book, he issues a public apology to his former Hogwarts students, goes into rehab, and emerges eager to launch a career in reality television.

Will Ron and Hermione finally work things out?

Yes. But not before some turbulence. Still smarting from Hermione's indiscretion with Viktor Krum, Ron hits his beloved with the dreaded Spell of the Itchy Sphincter. She retaliates with the Spell of the Asparagus Urine. Harry intercedes, dosing both of them with a philter that includes holy secretions from Oprah's adrenal glands. The lovers reconcile, relieve their epic sexual tension, and post the eye-popping results on the Internet.

Who is the mysterious R.A.B.?

An obscure wizard-rapper from Piggledon Province, whose theft of Voldemort's locket -- a publicity stunt -- backfires after he is shot in the throat by a rival, who runs with Draco Malfoy's posse.

Do Harry and evil Lord Voldemort finally throw down?

They most certainly do, in a 223-page rampage of blood, sweat, and potions. The action is pitched and plainly homoerotic. (At one point, transfigured into amorous bonobos, they tongue-kiss.) Having battled to a draw, they settle the matter in a most unexpected manner: a chili cook-off! Voldemort, allergic to the peanut oil Harry used to braise his tenderloin, goes into anaphylactic shock and perishes.

What about the death eaters, then?

Without Voldemort's leadership, they return to politics.

And Hogwarts?

One word: Disney."

Alas, I only got one prediction right on the novel myself. I guessed Snape was a good guy from the beginning (see artwork above and feel your heart breaking. FEEL IT!), but that's about it. I (wrongly) predicted Dumbledore's return, Ron's death, and a denouement at Godric's Hollow. As I said before, I'm no Trelawney/Alice/Yoda!

More wacky predictions from Salon.com here!

Professor H.

Link Lessons

Dear Class,

We've added a series of fabulous links to TriWizardJedi. You'll note that the three different "fandoms" are unevenly represented in the blogosphere. There are good reasons for this, which follow:

1) There are few Star Wars fansites. Lucasfilm has quite a tight hold on its copyrighted material. It just may be that this little (not for profit! not for profit! we own nothing!) site here gets a cease and desist notice from Mr. Lucas. However, the Lucasfilm approved sites to the right are quite good.

2) J.K. Rowling has been significantly more lax in controlling her material on the web. This very same generosity towards fans has landed her in this legal pickle recently, and is the very reason why the HP fandom has grown into such a sophisticated phenomena, as you'll see in the links to the right.

3) Ah. Twilight. There are a few good Twilight fansites, which we've linked to here. As you can see, the sites aren't yet as expansive as those you'll find dedicated to HP and Star Wars. Yet. Twilight fans are many in number, but when the new movie arrives later this year, things are going to get crazy. While I put little stock in Trelawney/Alice/Yoda-style predictions, mark my words--by the end of this year, Twilight news will hit the major cable networks, the fundamentalist Christian groups will begin decrying the moral turpitude of the series, and all those pioneering fansites on the right are going to have to buy some serious bandwidth.

Finally, and most importantly...

4) Giving. At the bottom of the page, we've posted links to good charities, and urge you to check them out. All three of the stories we honor here are about the power of love. Let us not forget that "it is our choices that show what we truly are...far more than our abilities" (Chamber of Secrets).

Professor H.