What Book Seven Might Have Been

Art by pojypojy

Dear Class,

I bring you a funny tidbit in which author Steve Almond predicts the outcome of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Obviously, this is not a new link, but funny nevertheless:

From Salon...

"I've read each of the previous books multiple times, and devoted most of the past year to sifting them for clues. To answer the Big Questions:

Is Dumbledore really dead?

Yes, though he is reincarnated as a newt.

Is Severus Snape good or evil?

Neither. He's got a substance-abuse problem. Toward the end of the book, he issues a public apology to his former Hogwarts students, goes into rehab, and emerges eager to launch a career in reality television.

Will Ron and Hermione finally work things out?

Yes. But not before some turbulence. Still smarting from Hermione's indiscretion with Viktor Krum, Ron hits his beloved with the dreaded Spell of the Itchy Sphincter. She retaliates with the Spell of the Asparagus Urine. Harry intercedes, dosing both of them with a philter that includes holy secretions from Oprah's adrenal glands. The lovers reconcile, relieve their epic sexual tension, and post the eye-popping results on the Internet.

Who is the mysterious R.A.B.?

An obscure wizard-rapper from Piggledon Province, whose theft of Voldemort's locket -- a publicity stunt -- backfires after he is shot in the throat by a rival, who runs with Draco Malfoy's posse.

Do Harry and evil Lord Voldemort finally throw down?

They most certainly do, in a 223-page rampage of blood, sweat, and potions. The action is pitched and plainly homoerotic. (At one point, transfigured into amorous bonobos, they tongue-kiss.) Having battled to a draw, they settle the matter in a most unexpected manner: a chili cook-off! Voldemort, allergic to the peanut oil Harry used to braise his tenderloin, goes into anaphylactic shock and perishes.

What about the death eaters, then?

Without Voldemort's leadership, they return to politics.

And Hogwarts?

One word: Disney."

Alas, I only got one prediction right on the novel myself. I guessed Snape was a good guy from the beginning (see artwork above and feel your heart breaking. FEEL IT!), but that's about it. I (wrongly) predicted Dumbledore's return, Ron's death, and a denouement at Godric's Hollow. As I said before, I'm no Trelawney/Alice/Yoda!

More wacky predictions from Salon.com here!

Professor H.